


buried in broken dreams

by dearachilles



Series: Bitter Smiles [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Childhood Trauma, Death, F/M, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Sorry, Marvel Universe, Natasha - Freeform, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Psychological Trauma, You Have Been Warned, canon can't stop me because i can't see, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26012653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearachilles/pseuds/dearachilles
Summary: Post-Endgame. Steve mourns.-Note: Steve doesn't go to the past for some old coochie ( no offense to Peggy ilh) because as we all know the ending sucked. Other than that, it's mostly canon compliant.*title from The Other Side by Ruelle. The song is Saturn by Sleeping At Last, listen to it while reading for full effect*All rights go to Marvel Studios and other rightful owners.
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Series: Bitter Smiles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1888024
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	buried in broken dreams

**Author's Note:**

> hey, sup, so this is my first fic so i apologize for any mistakes.  
> i may not be really active here so if you have any comments you can also find me at [twitter](https://twitter.com/CARDANSWRATH)  
> i hope you like it :)

Earth just lost her best defenders. She had lied. Of course she had lied, she was a spy after all. **_She shouldn’t have been_**. The smile she gave him, the little playful smirk, it never left his eyes.

_“See you in a minute.”_

Yeah sure, a minute. It had been seven months, seven months without a certain redhead who changed his entire life. He remembered the first time he saw her. At the quinjet, before their encounter with Thor. “Ma’am”, he had said, how pathetic he had been at that time. If only he knew how much she would mean him, maybe things would’ve been different. **He could have saved her.** No, Nat would’ve hated him if she knew he said that. She had always been the sacrificial one. It was in her nature. Always the one to volunteer first, ever the selfless.

**_You taught me the courage of stars, before you left  
How light carries on endlessly, even after death _ **

The feelings were always there, of course. The time spent at the headquarters, flirty banters, getting accustomed to her presence right next to him. But the time he actually realized his feelings for her, in Sokovia. When he saw the acceptance of death in her eyes, when she told him that there were worse ways to go, he knew that he would be at her side no matter what. The view be damned, she was the most beautiful being in his eyes at that moment; hair dishevelled, eyes pleading but soft, mouth in a sad smile. Now it all seems ironic, considering how she left, another place, another cliff.

“ _We have what we have when we have it”_

She had no idea how fitting it was when she said it. He was so selfish, so paranoid, so closed he had forgotten to cherish their moments. All the years they escaped the government, while it was hard, at least they were together, side by side. From the moment he boosted her from his shield to the aliens, they never left each other’s sides. It was foolish to think it would last forever, and it didn’t. Now she was gone, lying somewhere, cold, and alone. And there he was, staring at the bubble gum package he got from the vendor machine. God it seems like ages ago. She was much more intelligent than he was. A damn vending machine…They completed each other in a way no one else could. Yeah, Peggy, Sharon were there but something about her, the familiarity made him full. “ _Someone with shared life experiences”_ she’d said. After all the things they went through, he couldn’t not shiver from the emptiness at his left side.

**_With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite  
How rare and beautiful it is, to even exist_ **

She knew him more than he knew himself. She wasn’t happy all the time, he would give everything to make her happy, and she knew that. After the snap, it had been so loud, but so quiet. For five years, they had worked together, tried to make things better, helped people get their life back, when they couldn’t. She was a wonder of the nature; fierce, lethal but also emotional and careful at the same time. Cold and distant but actually a soft little girl who never got to live her childhood. They cried together, they laughed together, they mended each other’s wounds. She was more than a partner, no, maybe even more than a soulmate. Her smile made everything better. A laugh, he felt like he could eat the world raw. At first, few touches here and there, glances and winks. Throughout the years, as the headquarter became lonelier, they started getting closer. No, they never told their feelings vocally, but both of them knew it was real for both of them. Her hair started getting longer, so he matched his too. Nat always used to tell him he looked better with a beard, he agreed. Now, he can’t look at the mirror without seeing her behind him, probably offering to braid his hair with him trying to refuse, and fail relentlessly.

**_I couldn't help but ask  
For you to say it all again_ **

Oh how much he missed her. The time he heard the news from Clint, he didn’t believe him. It was all a sick joke. Although he tried to dismiss the rotten, dying part of his heart, the battle wore him down, he couldn’t bear the empty sight at his left, where Nat would always be, supportive and passionate. When he stood against Thanos and his army, he thought, “This is it. I couldn’t save the world. I couldn’t save my world. I couldn’t save **you.** I guess it’s only right for a guy like me, dying fighting for a cause, a better future.” Future, funny word it is. He didn’t have a future, not when half his family was gone. He had lost so much over the years, but nothing compared with losing his other half.

“ _I used to have nothing, then I got this family”_

That’s all she wanted, really. A family, somewhere she could truly belong, a bond so strong she would do anything for it. And she got it. The Avengers, were her family, for some time. Then, that damned war, two sides for a stupid cause. He saw how taking sides hurt Nat too late. Two friends in opposite sides. He understood why Nat was so indulged in them too late. She told him about her real family, Alexei, Yelena, Melina. He wished they could be a new family for her, but they failed her. When the portals came in, he almost broke down on his knees. This was the broken but strong family she deserved. Suddenly, for a moment, everything seemed okay. The Wakandans chanting, Tony and Rhodey with their suits, tons of magicians shielding, uniting all against one. In the eye of this hurricane, everything was quiet. All he could hear was her laughter, her joy, her intensity, her hair. He thought of after Sokovia when he almost assembled the team. For this time, he would, for her. He would make right of her sacrifice.

**_I tried to write it down  
But I could never find a pen_ **

She didn’t get a funeral. Not officially. They said they needed a body. He didn’t. The memories of her was enough. He gathered all the people close to her. Whoever’s left of her family. They gathered around, telling stories about her, joking around. Pepper, her first friend, had to be carried after the ceremony. Both Tony and Nat had been too hard on her. Clint left early, with Laura and Kate sobbing and screaming hysterically. Rhodey was silent, just digesting the facts. Steve knew he would get emotional later, and he would be there for him. Sam and Bucky were in a corner trying to stay strong. As for Steve, he was…empty. He felt like his soul was sucked out. No feelings, no emotions, nothing. He just felt strong winds circling his devoid body, ripping anything that’s left of him apart, tearing him down one by one.

**_I'd give anything to hear  
You say it one more time_ **

She sang once. A Russian song. She said it was a lullaby, but it sounded more like something from a horror movie. Big mistake, she baby talked with him the entire evening. Now, he would kill to see her baby talk again. He would give up the mantle for her, and technically he did. The shield seemed meaningless without her. People said time would heal, but not this. The hole she left in his life was unrepairable. After decades, he found his partner, equally wounded, just as gentle, and in a blink of an eye, she was gone, gave herself away for others, nothing but pure altruism. **He should have been there. He deserved to die, not her.**

**_That the universe was made  
Just to be seen by my eyes_ **

She taught him everything he knew about the new world. Other people gave suggestions as well, but film nights, random pop quizzes and pop culture references actually helped him get ready for the newness. Without her, he would’ve got crushed under the stress. She was the definition of being through thick and thin. After his nightmares, screaming for Bucky in his sleeps, panic, and anxiety attacks, she was there to calm him. When he felt overwhelmed by everything, she was the shoulder to cry on. And he was her rock as well. She only _looked_ like she didn’t have a heart. She broke down, woke up in sweats, always blamed herself for everything. The world didn’t deserve her. If he could go back time, he would make the people in Red Room pay for what they did to her; they broke her, tore her soul and stitched it to shape her to a weapon, broke her humanity and robbed her of her childhood. He had always wondered how she could be so hopeful and enthusiastic all the time. Then he understood; she had to be. She had seen how broken the team was and made it her mission to glue them together. She didn’t care how hard that was to accomplish, she was willing to give herself up if that was the price. _Whatever it takes,_ she had said. It took her life. She saved the universe. But at what cost? The team lost its mediator, Pepper lost her friend, Rhodey lost the only other intellectual person in the team, Kate and Nathaniel lost their aunt, Clint lost his best friend, Thor lost a humour buddy, Bruce lost a very dear heartache, and the world lost its saviour. If it weren’t for Natasha, he wouldn’t be sitting here, looking at the peanut butter jar, with the knife still in. He wanders around the halls, lights flickering here and there. Most windows are still broken, a perfect reflection of his heart. After the, they tried to recover whatever’s left of their home. Steve found one of her bite bracelets, he still can’t look at it without remembering her. He stares at the lounge; tries to recall the last time his family were together. Tony and Nat laying side by side, Rhodey strategizing with Carol, Thor snoring loudly in the corner, Steve looking at Tony’s plans, Scott bonding with Rocket, Clint with his foot on the table, playing with his arrows. He smiles. He made so many memories here. Now he lost them all. He lost her.

**_With shortness of breath, I'll explain the infinite  
How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist_ **

Finally, he enters her room. Despite everything, it still smells like her, cedarwood, black tea and gunpowder. Her past never left her. She could never escape it. He saw her sometimes, looking in the mirror, touching her scars. She kept a pair of ballet shoes under her bed. He saw her wearing them only once. An hour later, she screamed and threw the shoes at the wall. When he got there, she was already on her bed, crying into her pillow. He laid next her, cuddling her until none of her demons could reach her. Now, the bed is rumpled, coincidentally in a way Nat likes it. The smell is even more intense here. There used to be a lot of cedar trees in Russia, she’d told him. She and Yelena used to play hide and seek in the woods until their mom got impatient and called them back. Well, until Red Room got her. As for black tea, that was Steve’s fault. Over the years, she got accustomed to drinking tea, because he didn’t like coffee. Some time later, she developed a liking for it, especially black tea. _Reminds me of home_ , she used to say. She never could live her freedom, someone always watched her, analysed her every single move. Her fate was chosen from the beginning. Kill people, gather data, get wounded, repeat. Until she found this family. She then felt like she was in control of herself, for the first time in her life. Then came the endless wars, struggles and she fell down the hole again. This time though, she wasn’t alone. Her team was there to help her get out. Year after year, she felt more attached to her life. Suddenly, the bond broke. She was used to it, get attached to something, watch it crumble apart, watch yourself crumble apart. She shouldered all her traumas with determination. She was here, alive, and that’s what mattered above all. Her smiles radiated warmth, happiness, wisdom. Oh that blue cube. That fucking blue cube. It ruined them. The last time she smiled was in Wakanda, just before the snap. It felt like heaven. A second after, hell. The team dismantled, with half being gone, gone with the wind. Her smiles always carried a hint of rue, agony after it. Her eyes lost their brightness, they looked red, and dull. Maybe that’s why she chose to die. To be finally free, totally free. In the expense of her life, she gained free will.

“ _Let me go. It’s okay”_

He couldn’t. Not yet. Peggy’s picture had already been replaced by her, by one where she was laughing, her eyes closed with contentment, a rare sight. He would always carry her within him. Move on from her, he probably would. But the void she left in him would never be replaced. He always did things with her, **as a team.** They should’ve gone out as a team. She once told him lying was a good way not to die. She died telling the truth. She would live with him, forever, and always.


End file.
